Reflective Meandering

Thoughts on faith, people, politics, travel, and transition.

I Lost Something

Sometimes, I wonder if I know who I am anymore. I feel like when I got married, I lost a part of myself. I don’t know when exactly it happened, or what part of me I lost, exactly, but I’m not the same.

Honestly, I feel more like the little middle schooler I once was, with little control over my life and what happens therein.

I feel unheard and misunderstood and worst of all, I’m at a point again, where I don’t know what to do about it. I want to stomp my feet, scream, and otherwise throw temper tantrums because I’m so utterly exhausted from it all. I’m tired of having to explain every little thing. I’m tired of having to argue every little point. I’m just.plain.tired. 

It’s not like my schedule is busier; in fact, it’s slowed down quite a bit since the nuptials. I’ve always managed my time better when there was more to manage (explain that phenomenon!), but I think it’s more than that. I lost a part of who I was because I was an independent professional woman. No longer am I independent. No longer do I have a job in my profession. 

As it turns out, my identity was a bit more wrapped up in what I did than I realized. I thought my identity was grounded in my relationship with Christ. Turns out, I had built my identity on shifting sand, and that sand is no longer present in my life so my whole identity feels like it’s crumbling apart.

I have to rebuild, but I’m too tired.

And, I’m to exhausted from being jealous that the life of the hubs hasn’t changed all that much at all. Jealous of my husband! I’m not sure I would’ve believed our marriage counselor had she even suggested the possibility.

But, he sleeps all night, well. It takes me hours to fall asleep as I listen to him snore and talk in his sleep, and feel him kick his legs. I was a single person the last night I got the kind of sleep I watch him enjoy. So, in the mornings, after he leaves for work, I sneak in a morning nap, 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep! But, then I feel guilty that I’ve slept the day away, and at night it becomes even more difficult for me to drift off, so the cycle of insomnia continues.

Don’t even get me started on his work day. There was a time when I lived alone and worked by myself for a small organization. Oh how I wished for a little bit of drama in my life. People warned me not to get a roommate and not to wish for their job situations, but how I longed for a story to tell. I feel a little like that now. Like, things wouldn’t be so dramatic with the hubs if I had a life outside of him. He comes home from work and sits down at dinner to tell me about his interactions with all of these folks that he’s worked with for awhile now, and while I try to listen, engage, and live through the emotions with him, sometimes, I’m just jealous. I can be introverted, but I’m an extrovert too, and oh how I miss a little office get together, working with a team to accomplish a common goal, and even being refined by the people I worked with. It wasn’t perfect, but it was somehow edifying.

Life isn’t meant to be lived alone. It’s not even meant to be lived with just one other person. We were made to live in community. Iron sharpens iron, and so must we pursue community.

Tomorrow, I begin again (for about the 14th time) the job search. And, perhaps I’ll also start to look for places to volunteer. There’s something about helping to meet the needs of others that puts my own into perspective.

Leave a comment »