Reflective Meandering

Thoughts on faith, people, politics, travel, and transition.

Infertility and God’s Plan

on November 1, 2016

What if you’re not struggling with infertility, what if you’re struggling with God’s will and timing in your life?

The hubs and I started talking about kids way before we got married. He’s one of five, his dad one of nine, and we talked of having three or four kids. I’m from a small family. I have one brother, my dad was one of two, my mom one of three. During college I realized, it is my responsibility to help outbreed the liberals. I wanted a brood. My husband told me that one of the most memorable facebook posts he saw from me before we started dating was one in which I was talking about complementarity, and how I would love to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen someday. It became his goal to make that happen, in his kitchen.

But, we got married and lived in a one bedroom apartment in New York City. Who starts a family in New York City? That’s crazy. Besides, we were newlyweds and of course, you should wait awhile before becoming pregnant after getting married, right?

I remember talking to the hubs about whether it was God’s will for us to wait. I struggle with the idea of contemporary Americans trying to perfectly plan their lives out. Get married by this age, have 2.5 kids by this age, retire by this age. Maybe, I thought, we should just do life, contraceptive-free, and allow the Lord to work out the details. But, without consensus for that approach, we continued planning. We’d move out of the city and a short time later start trying to have kids.

We married later in life, I was 29. I had watched many of my friends struggle to become pregnant. A doctor friend told me it often takes around six months to conceive once you start trying. We were planning to try to get pregnant right at the time of life that conception becomes harder for women – the thirties.

At any rate, I took comfort in Sarah’s story. Sarah was barren. Genesis 11:30. But, the Lord tells her and her husband that He will make them into a great nation, basically, that they’ll have posterity. Genesis 12:2. But, Sarah didn’t believe God would use her in fulfilling His plan, she thought she had to be proactive. So, Sarah and Abraham conspired to have a child through Sarah’s servant, Hagar. Genesis 16:2. Then, a short time later,

The Lord said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son.” And Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years. The way of women had ceased to be with Sarah. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?”  The Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.”

Genesis 18:10-14. Sarah was in her 90s when she conceived Isaac, the son God promised to her. How many years did she struggle to see God’s plan for her life? How many times did she try to take matters into her own hands in order to fulfill God’s plan in her own way? Was she infertile until her 90s, or was she simply struggling with God’s will and His timing in her life? Perhaps it’s semantics, but these are the Truths I wrestle with now.

My first baby, baby Avery, having bypassed this world for heaven, I long for more babies, and I struggle through the wait. I don’t hold Sarah’s promise. God hasn’t presented Himself to me and told me that I would have a son. But, He has said, “Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” Psalm 34:8.

May we see the Lord and his timing in all things, and may we always remember, despite our circumstances, that the Lord is good. He is our refuge and our strength.

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